my first contact with judaism is through a dream,
my dreamscape often confusing and unclear, a mess of colors and images that hold no meaning,
but when my dreams tell me about conversion to a religion i barely know anything about,
it feels like a sign, like i am joseph with his prophetic dreams, his visions while being shackled and imprisoned.
my prison, of course, is nothing but christianity---
the loom of catholic school, the overbearing priests, the longwinded liturgy.
i research, i look it up, i learn things i never knew about the jewish people;
it feels like coming home, like warm homemade bread, a kiss on the cheek, fresh water down my throat.
i want to convert, to walk along this community, to learn and live like they do, all because of this dream.
the closest synagogue is a thirty hour road trip away, and you have to go through argentina on the way.
i cannot seem to find anything about it either, no hints toward its opinion on converts or goyim attending their services.
there is no chances for me to convert yet, so far away from any people part of the tribe i want to join;
so i stay quiet, shrivel up, hide the desire like a shameful hope, turn it into a small ball and hide it in my attic.
i do not share it. i stay quiet. i try to find joy in christianity, i try to go to church.
it doesn't stick. it feels like pulling teeth.
it takes three years--- three long years--- until i am able to come to terms with jewishness once again
the world is in chaos, a pandemic making services be far away, everyone disconnected and yet more in community than ever.
and one of my friends, someone just like me, comes and tells me
that hey, he can get me rabbi access. i can go to services, i can hear the songs,
the prayers. i can hear the shofar and those words in hebrew i do not understand.
i sit in front of my laptop, and join a shabbat service for the first time--
it is nothing like mass, it is nothing like church, christian and bible and an uptight priest.
no, it is so much better; it's like coming home. like a lightbulb going off, a piece of challah placed in my hand.
when the rabbi talks about lighting the shabbat candles,
i do not have any in hand
but a candle lights inside me, lighting up my soul
and my heart.
